Certainly, and in an unironic sense, I can say with full faith that drinking is not a healthy coping mechanism and does nothing to solve life's woes. I believe it began as I watched someone I've known since childhood change into someone who, today, is wholly unrecognizable from the brilliant mind, the empathetic heart, and generally amazing person become someone wholly different due to some form of mental illness. I myself had to have her comitted, and it was a heart wrenching decision which, while I have full confidence was the right choice, still leaves me with great guilt to this day. I mean she's better now, when she's taking medications as prescribed, but there's a whole future there that's just gone, wedding vows that'll never be exchanged, and a period of abuse that'll linger with me for the rest of my life.
Watching someone you've known since childhood change into someone unrecognizable presents many challenges, many of which I don't think anyone is fully capable of truly handling or comprehending. To follow that, after a couple years of being on my own, finding myself again and getting right with myself, with a relationship which was at its heart truly unhealthy, having lies and mistruths levied against me, the very deprivation of my support structure at one point, truly these past few years have not been normal. Certainly, I turned to the wrong coping mechanisms in those times, and those impacts have shown themselves beyond the confines of myself. I will say though that Nova is no saint, and genuine attempts to smooth things over in private were repeatedly either rejected or complicated by him, which I think led to frustrations boiling over in that regard.
I know full well that, in all of our lives, there are things we can't take back. The past, being what it is, is set in stone. It's not the same case with the future, so in short I fully recognize that I've fallen short of my personal standards and, in that, I've let people down beyond myself. However, I'm taking the steps I probably should have taken when my fiancée, and I do not believe it to be willingly on her part and thus will never hold what she did to me against her personally, brought me to a most difficult chapter of my life. Now the narcissist who followed her will not have the same grace; there's a whole year I won't get back and the toll that took on my own mental health is something I'll be working out weekly, but I can't keep going through the cycle of being alright for a while, having a breakdown, turning to drinking, and waking up without full knowledge of the events of the night before, nor words or actions which I would never undertake under normal circumstances. It's a pledge I make to the community, but most importantly, to myself.
While not excusing anything in the incidents described, I've not been in my right state of mind and that's something I apologize for and truly hope to make up for. While nothing can be done at this hour of the day I'll be doing things right and will be engaging with therapy to address the overwhelming situations I've faced, while also joining Tytor in the teetotaler club. I believe, with everything considered, the grounds of diminished capacity exist as I've never held intent nor will as described above. As I am taking the steps necessary, most importantly for my well-being but also to always engage with all in my life in a healthy manner which follows my personal belief in leaving people better off than when our interactions began, I would suggest that this motion, in effect, be suspended for one month. Allow me to prove that I recognize the issue, to prove that I am taking the steps necessary to address it, and to be someone you all recognize, not someone unrecognizable even to myself.